Letter to My 15-Year-Old Self

Dear Dave,

What an amazing opportunity to talk to you and to prepare you for your life ahead. I know it’s tough, at 15, to appreciate what you have, but you really have a lot to be thankful for. And you have a great future ahead of you.

I can give you some advice and I’ll keep it short because I remember how easily bored I got when I was your age. First, and most importantly, spend time with Dad. Quality time. He won’t be around too much longer and he loves you very much.

Study harder in math. Take college math courses in high school. Free up your college schedule for classes you want to take.

Have less fear. I know it isn’t easy, but take life by the horns and you’ll be rewarded. You’re going to have the greatest wife you can imagine and your boys… your boys will make you realize how much you can love other people. Don’t let your fears get in the way of being the best father you can be.

Next year, don’t go to Liz Sirico’s sweet sixteen. John Murphy throws up on you. On second thought, I guess you can go to the party, just stay clear of John Murphy.

Speaking of Liz, you’ll find yourself alone in a car with her in a couple of years and, well, no really does mean no. I still have the bite marks to prove that.

Bet the Orioles to win the World Series this year. Next year, the Tigers. The year after that I think the Cardinals; I’ll have to look that up online and attach a list.

(By the way, “online” is an amazing thing that brings as much porn as you want right into your house. The days of scanning PBS for that hint of British boobies is about to be a distant memory my friend.)

Don’t get hung up with Cliff Kaplan getting the starting second baseman shot junior year. He dies of asphyxiation while masturbating when he’s 20.

Steal more from your part time job at the driving range. Everyone else did and you’ll feel like a sucker for being “trustworthy.”

They’ll tell you when you learn to drive to keep your hands at “10 o’clock and 2 o’clock” on the steering wheel. That’s bullshit.

On paper, fish seem like fun to own. In reality, they suck.

The shits you’re getting after you eat cookies and milk doesn’t mean you’re allergic to cookies, Einstein. You’re lactose intolerant.

Most importantly, Mom is gonna try to move you to Scarsdale for your senior year of high school. Fight this! Being the new kid senior year sucks. The teachers even picked on us. Stay in Yonkers. Sure, you met your wife at Scarsdale High, so you’d miss that, but who knows, maybe you’ll find someone hotter. And less of a pain in the ass, especially about your gambling (remember, bet those Tigers). It also means you won’t have your two boys, and that’s tough, but I’m telling you, being the new kid in high school – lots of razzing.

I think that’s about it. To summarize: hang with Dad more, don’t try to finger Liz in her car, stay away from milk, and cherish your kids if you have them.


Dave (Age 40)


2 Comments → “Letter to My 15-Year-Old Self”

  1. Marc Cline

    7 years ago

    My advice would have been, “Get over not having a car as a teenager. They are expensive and you don’t really deserve it. You’ll have some really cool ones later in life. Hang around people who are better at things than you. This will have amazing benefits to you. Treat women well and they will treat you to everything. Be nicer to your brother; he won’t be around long. You are right about your dad, but you’ll forgive him soon.”


  2. conrad

    7 years ago

    being the new kid senior year skyrocketed me to popularity…

    you musta been doing it wrong.


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About the Author of ‘Creepiosity’

David BickelBesides being one of the world’s most respected creepiologists, David Bickel is a writer and producer who has been working in television since Clinton was president. His credits include “Hiller and Diller” starring Richard Lewis and Kevin Nealon, and a nine-year stint on the Emmy-nominated show “The King of Queens.” He is currently working on the series he developed, “Motorcity” for the Walt Disney Company.