If I Had a Genie
If I rubbed a lamp and a genie popped out, I think I’d be more prepared than most people. For one thing, I think I found a loophole that’ll give me a ton more wishes. I’m hesitant to share this secret, but I’m confident that if you, the reader, got a genie and you used this trick, you’d remember that it was Uncle Dave who told you about it (meaning me, in case you actually have an Uncle Dave).
Now, you’re probably thinking that the genie comes out and I wish for a million more wishes, right? WRONG! As anyone who knows anything knows, that’s one of the big genie rules, no wishing for more wishes. So you know what my first wish would be? A million more genies. Which not only falls under the genie guidelines, it also gives me three million more wishes as opposed to just one million (1,000,000 genies x 3 wishes each). Don’t forget where you heard it.
Anyway, first wish: Invincibility. Most people would go for immortality, but then the genie would screw you by making you a tortured cripple forever and ever (genies love irony). I’m invincible, which means no more looking both ways when crossing the street. That burden is done. Best feeling on earth, no longer having to look both ways.
Wish #2: Immortality. As long as I’m invincible and the genie can’t pull any of his wise ass irony on me, I’m living forever. I know what you’re thinking: How sad will I be to outlive all my friends and family. Which leads me to…
Wish #3: The ability to not give a crap about outliving my friends and family. Now I won’t worry about that, plus I won’t have to look when I cross the street – life’s good.
Now remember, that’s three wishes but I’m getting three million! Three million is a lot, so I’ll just give you my next five or six. I’m sure I’ll think of the other 2 million-plus as times passes (after all, I am living forever and that’s a pretty long time).
Wish #4: X-ray vision. So I can see boobies. (I have no real interest in seeing vaginas. I like vaginas, but looking at them isn’t that thrilling. Bobbies are.)
Wish #5: A really good pillow. The one I have now is way too soft.
Wish #6: Selective world peace. I don’t really care about places I’m never going to travel to, but if I want to go to, say, Russia (to look at Ruskie boobies with my x-ray vision), I want it to be safe. I know, I know, I’m invincible and immortal. But still, who wants to be around tumult?
Wish #7: I’d like to trying being a girl for a day. And get laid like crazy. Does that make me sound gay? Maybe it does. Although, remember, I did want the x-ray vision to see boobies.
Okay, scratch that one.
Wish #8: Fifty-four billion dollars. I think the richest dude in the world has fifty-three billion. I’d be like, oh man, all you have is fifty three billion? Gee, that must suck. I have fifty-four and it’s pretty sweet. And then if he tried to say that fifty-three billion is also pretty awesome, I’d let him know that I’m invincible and immortal. And I can see his weenie through his clothes and it’s tiny. YES!
Wish #9: I’d go on Jeopardy and at the end when you have the write your answer for Final Jeopardy, even if I was way up I’d risk it all and put my answer as “What is: I banged Trebek’s mom last night.” I have nothing against Trebek, but how cool would it be to do that? I’d get him a real nice “I’m sorry” gift, like a watch or a nice pen.
I’m not really sure what wish #10 would be. I think between the money and health and Jeopardy, I might actually be pretty set. So maybe I’d only have to wish for two extra genies.
Although, who am I kidding, I’m sure my extra genie loophole isn’t gonna fly.
Genies are assholes like that.