F**K BETTY WHITE!

By David Bickel

It seems like right now, everyone is in love with Betty White. She was the darling of the Super Bowl with her commercial for Snickers or Buncha Crunch or whatever that was; she’s being cast in every single movie, whether the feisty grandma character she plays is organic to the story or not (I understand she just landed a role in the sequel to “300”); and she was invited to host Saturday Night Live after a petition on the current census was signed by over two hundred million Americans.

I hate to sound like a contrarian, but I’m against all this. Deeply against all this.

Let’s look at the facts:

1) How does Betty White being the flavor of the month affect other feisty old ladies who want to play grandmas who have no filter? Answer: It puts them in the poorhouse. Say you’re an old lady actress who makes her living playing the grandma who says naughty things, is overly sexual, or likes to rap. Thanks to Betty White, you’re no longer on a soundstage, you’re on the unemployment line. You know the cliché of old ladies who have no money and are forced to eat cat food? The current batch of Fancy Feast eaters have Betty White to thank for that. Classy move, Betty White.

2) How do you think all this Betty White attention makes Cloris Leachman feel? You ever think of that? If you recall, last year, when Cloris was on “Dancing With the Stars” she was America’s favorite old lady. Now, she’s been tossed out of our lives and is probably eating cat food somewhere. And to make it worse, they worked together on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” (and no doubt hated each other’s guts then, as both were essentially playing the same part, the outwardly-sweet-but-actually-prickly-passive-aggressive-friend). I still love you Cloris. You can be in my Snickers or Buncha Crunch commercial any time.

3) Betty White is an animal rights activist. You know who else is an animal rights activist? Volkert van der Graaf. He assassinated Dutch politician Pim Fortuyn in order to “protect weaker groups in society” (it’s all true, I read in on Wikipedia). Is that your grand scheme, Betty White? To worm your way into the hearts of Americans, gain their trust, then commit cold-blooded murder on behalf of chickens and puppies everywhere? Yes, I will admit, if that was your plan and you did go on a murdering spree, that would be pretty damn cool. But that does not make it right. You’ve just been put on alert, Betty White.

I guess the point I’m making here folks is that while blindly falling in love with Betty White is a nice idea in theory, in practice, it can be more dangerous than you realize. Way more dangerous.

All that being said, it is really adorable when she curses.

David Bickel is a veteran TV writer/producer whose book Creepiosity hits bookstores in June. Find out more at www.creepiosity.com and become a Facebook fan of CREEPIOSITY today.



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29 Comments → “F**K BETTY WHITE!”


  1. Tom Creigborne

    5 years ago

    LOL

    Reply

  2. Ricardo Hand

    5 years ago

    I think that a cold blooded murdering Betty White would make a great superbowl commercial next year…keep that in mind snickers!

    Reply

  3. MomzaTVFan

    5 years ago

    Betty White RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  4. Gene Jones

    5 years ago

    I liked her best on The Mary Tyler Moore Show

    Reply

  5. Jo Oli

    5 years ago

    Betty White is one of thee only celebrities I would want to meet. (Her and Tim Conway) She is beautiful and a great actress. You go Betty and keep that beautiful smile going!

    Reply

  6. Cole

    5 years ago

    F*ck You Your The Most Jelious Envious Person I Ever Seen Write Online! You Are Clraly Jelious Of Betty EWhite And Are Serious Disturbed! Dont Knock Ger Cause She A Successful Person And Your A Lame Poece Of Shit!

    Reply

    • Brittany

      5 years ago

      You have really amazing english skills. I wish I were as intelligent as you.

      Reply

    • Dave

      5 years ago

      Cole, I admit I may be Jelious but I really don’t think I am A Lame Poece Of Shit.

      Thanks,

      Dave

      Reply

      • Gina

        5 years ago

        I am laughing so hard, there are tears running down my face!!

        Reply

    • Shannon

      4 years ago

      Seriously, dude named Cole??? You’re a moron!

      Reply

  7. MTTS

    5 years ago

    I totallyyyyy Agreeee with Cole!!! You an envious mother f!! Get a life & stop hating on others!!! You needs to get check for Dementiaaaa!!!!! LMFAO!!!

    Reply

  8. Patricia

    5 years ago

    Betty White finds herself like many American elderly haveing to work because social security isnt enough. We think because shes a actress shes got boocoos of money. Well I dont know for a fact her financial situation, alot of older actresses and actors have a hard time of it. Give the lady a break, shes staying active and productive.

    Reply

  9. Lady Macabre

    5 years ago

    Look Betty White is an amazing actress. She got to where she is today by being unique. Not by acting like every other “old lady”. Just because she has the balls to speak her mind doesn’t mean she’s a ‘cold-blooded murderer’. And you reading ‘Wikipedia’ doesn’t make you intelligent. Get your dumb ass out of the dark ages and try to actually learn something. Instead of writting dumb-ass articles and talking shit about people you don’t even know. I hope Betty White keeps it up. She’s one of a kind and is funny to top it off. So F**K YOU..

    Reply

  10. satan

    5 years ago

    This is dumb.

    Reply

    • god with a small g

      4 years ago

      @Satan dude you think its dumb, because you did not get enough jam today…. now off you go.

      Reply

  11. Sean Lords

    5 years ago

    This article is stupid. David Bickle is a terrible columnist. There’s no real good reason or backup for this article. Betty White has been doing shows for a LONG time now. If people want her in their commercial, movie, etc., they can cast her. If all those other old ladies feel threatened by her, maybe they should have started acting earlier like she did. That or they just suck and should take some acting classes.

    And I hate animal rights activists as much as the next guy, but just because she is one, doesn’t mean she assassinated people like Pim Fortuyn. And whoop-dee-doo…you read it on wikipedia….that doesn’t mean it’s true. Anyone is allowed to edit anything on that site. Find more solid references.

    Dave, you shouldn’t write articles. You obviously don’t look too much into anything before you write. How about we change this from “F**K BETTY WHITE!” to “F**K DAVID BICKEL!” I will bring your publicity down as much as I can. If you have a statement like this, you should have facts. You’re not a credible writer.

    Betty White forever!

    Reply

  12. Nic

    5 years ago

    I think David secretly wants to F””k Betty White! And is trying the passive-aggressive approach.
    For the rest of you – get a life! He’s joking – he’s a comedian!

    Reply

    • Shannon

      4 years ago

      Exactly Nic!!!!

      Reply

  13. LiLMIAMI

    5 years ago

    People, that was some funny shiz! I think my girl Cloris paid the man! Funny.

    Reply

  14. labradog

    5 years ago

    Betty White? I’d do her in a New York second.

    Reply

  15. Michael

    5 years ago

    Who is David Bickel anyhow?
    Oh wait.. I know him…
    Damn you Irving Schlabotnik!

    Reply

  16. CANCan

    5 years ago

    Are all of these hostile negative comments serious??? He is obviously making a joke….you all really need to get a life…..or get laid….hell, probably both!! Get the sticks outta ur asses and F**K you all!! Lol

    Reply

  17. Davids Conscience

    5 years ago

    David. It’s me, your conscience. We both know that you’ve been shining your yogurt dispencer to deeply ingrained spankbank playback of the sensitive young lad getting his first hide the salami lessons from the local football coach’s needy wife. Played by your stroke fantasy of more than 30 years, dear old Cloris Leachman in The Last Picture Show. Good ol’ Cloris sure was on the comeback trail and so was your sadly lagging libido. Suddenly here comes “evil” Betty, knocking your fantasy out of pop culture for perhaps the last time. With Cloris gone your reemerging libido crumbles to the ground much like the Fancy Feast from the corner of Cloris’s luscious fantasy inducing wrinkly old denture hole. “Betty must be stopped.” You thought. “But how? I’ll write a witty blog about The revival of Betty Whites’ career and how she’s driving other old “feisty broad” actresses to the cheese line. While I’m at it I’ll mention my fantasy gal just as an example of the kind of dried up old apples she’s displacing. I’ll make Betty sound like an evil old PETA terrorist. Meanwhile subtly planting the seeds of comeback for Cloris and My erection.”
    It’s a good plan Dave. As your conscience I approve and won’t be giving you any shit about it at all. I just hope nobody catches on to your scheme. So keep you mouth shut aboy this and nobody’ll be the wiser. Love your conscience, Sid

    Reply

  18. :P

    5 years ago

    I think all these people leaving angry comments are funny :)
    Either they are serious and completely ignorant, or are being facetious and have a warped sense of humor.
    Whatever…BRAVO!

    Reply

  19. zannelaw

    4 years ago

    Cloris Leachman is not in this hilarious new show called “Raising Hope” with Martha Plimpton!!

    Reply

  20. WadeFarrow

    3 years ago

    Betty is amazing and I think David was just pulling a joke like perez hilton hating on what everybody seems to love. When he posted at the end she is cute when she curses was the icing on the cake :)

    Reply

  21. Hailey Gurst

    3 years ago

    I can’t stand her. Sorry. She thinks using profane language and telling dirty jokes makes her cool. It doesn’t. She would be much better if she stayed the way she was years ago without all the filth. I have no respect for this lady….I mean woman.

    Reply

  22. Jim

    2 years ago

    You can’t diss Betty White! Michael Eisner did that and he’s slowly turning into a pumpkin!

    Reply

  23. Rebecca

    2 years ago

    Why the hell would you want to do that to Betty White. Everyone who hates Betty White I have to say: I F**K you because she is the best person in the history of actresses and people who hate/f**k her are MORONS> Who heard that. MORONS. And the MORON named Hailey just because she uses this kind of language doesn’t mean she is a bad person. She is an adult and she has the right to say those things. If you have to critisize Bitty White don’t do it on the internet, do it to your D**K!!!!!!!!

    Reply

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About the Author of ‘Creepiosity’

David BickelBesides being one of the world’s most respected creepiologists, David Bickel is a writer and producer who has been working in television since Clinton was president. His credits include “Hiller and Diller” starring Richard Lewis and Kevin Nealon, and a nine-year stint on the Emmy-nominated show “The King of Queens.” He is currently working on the series he developed, “Motorcity” for the Walt Disney Company.